Things hockey has made me feel this season.

Dear Hockey,

You make me confused; you make me frustrated, you make me question who I am and what I am worth, but I still come back for more. I play hockey at the highest level in the world. I deserve to play hockey at the highest level in the world. I don’t say that because I am cocky, I don’t say that because I am talented. I say that because I have worked day in and day out to master my craft. I have lost friends, I have lost opportunities, I have lost a lot through my sacrifices to play at this level. I am nowhere near the best, but my work ethic is the best, my perseverance is the best, and my passion is beyond the best.

You confuse me because with all the effort, work ethic, perseverance, and passion I should be able to accomplish something. I should be able to perform and have confidence in where I am and who I am.

I went to the lowest ranked team in the SDHL this season because I wanted just that. The SDHL. I recovered from a knee surgery, in record time to be in this situation. I have overcome more obstacles than I can count, ones that the average person would have seen as dead ends to a career, I saw as speed bumps. Through all of this I am here, I humble and I am still willing to get to work everyday to be something worth calling a hockey player.

The difficulty of playing hockey at the level I do is that it isn’t just a good time. Hockey and my refection of the hockey that I play reflect my feelings, my emotions, my self-worth thoughts, and my perceptions of life. This season has been difficult so far. The scariest thing and the thing that I think a lot of athletes at this level feel is if I don’t play well and I don’t perform the way that I think is adequate, sometimes thoughts of if I want to continue living immerge in my head. Only in my head but still there. These thoughts are something that confuse me, the thing that I love makes me feel unloved and undeserving and unworthy of living. If I described these thought to you, you would maybe have someone check on me. The vulnerability in writing this could show that I am week. I however think that it should show that I am strong. They are just thoughts.

Each day is a new day, and a new opportunity to be something great. I know that. Maybe today will be my day of greatness and if not today, it might be tomorrow, or Sunday, or maybe even next Thursday.

Dear Hockey,

What the fuck. I have never been good enough. Never once. Each year it has been a dog fight to even stay a float. My team fired there coach yesterday, a collision with a girl and me was sent into the advisory board to potentially suspend me and we have lost 9 straight games. I am ready to find something in my life as meaningful as hockey. I am ready to move on. But then I think that this is the time that I dreampt of. I am confused and frustrated.

I am tired. I am tired of struggling to breath, struggling to keep going day after day. Tired of just getting by. I am ready to move on and ready to start new adventures, new lifes and new loves

Dear Hockey,

Something was on my side yesterday. No suspension, but still can we catch a break. I find myself wanting more in my life then to chase a black disk around. I want a future with someone I love, I want stability, I want love.

Dear Hockey,

I don’t really know what to say any more.

Dear Hockey,

I think that I am accepting the fact that this will more then likely be my last year in Sweden. This might even be my last year playing hockey at the level that I am unless I can play in North America. I miss my family, I miss the warmth of home and the warmth of the people I love. I have achieved my dreams. My family and friends have seen me achieve my dreams and I think that I am ready to dream a new dream. I am sitting here waiting to go to practice. My sister comes tomorrow and all I can think about is that I don’t want her to leave without me. She hasn’t even gotten here and I am thinking about not wanting her to leave. I am ready to live a life that involves my family. I am ready to put others before myself and before you. I am ready to give you up, I have done more then most, seen more then most and accomplished more then most. I will take that with me every step of the way. I am ready for a new chapter.

Disclaimer: Writing to me is away to clear my head. I can sit down and throw my thoughts on paper to process them. Not everything this year has been bad, but I write about the bad because I need to processes it. These notes are from the hard times, the times that hockey is not my friend. The thing is, I have never found anything that makes me feel the way that hockey does and for that I am forever grateful. I am not ready for a new chapter, I love the one I am in right now even though sometimes it seem dark and scary and lonely.