Tack så mycket

My first year of professional hockey has come to an end and ironically it came to an end in the same city that it started. We finished our season playing in the semifinals of the qualification series. We were picked by the league leader Frölunda and faced them in 2 games, losing both. Sitting in the locker room after the game, I was brought to tears by my thoughts and feelings. This year has been the most turbulent of my life. The ups and downs of this lifestyle is something that many people cannot and will not understand. For those of us that are gifted the opportunity to understand, we are faced with many questions, thoughts and feelings, many of which are positive and upbringing and many of which will leave you questioning your worth and place in this sport. I am not the same person that I was when I left home 8 months ago, and I never will be. I am grateful for the person that I have become and the lessons that I have learned. I am grateful for the ups and downs and the questions that this lifestyle has brought to my mind. Those questions, and answers and thoughts have forced me to work on myself, and if you are working, you are growing.

In many ways this year has flown by faster than I could have even imagined and then in other ways it has been the hardest and longest year of my life. When looking back my time in Gothenburg seems like another life. Although it has only been 3 short months since leaving Gothenburg, in that time I lost a family and a home and gained an entirely new one. I have lived in four different houses. The first two with five wonderful imports that were feeling and experiencing the same situations that I was. Once on my own, in a dark and isolating apartment where I learned what it truly meant to be alone and once with a quirky Dutch goalie that has taught me to be patience, because sometime in the most difficult and tough living situations you can lean on one another for support. I have been open to new experiences and hardened by difficulty. In the difficult times I was guarded, and my heart developed calluses in place that I can still feel the pain. I felt that pain going back to Gothenburg this weekend. Those calluses make me want my dream more. They make me desired and crave and need to fulfill my goals and my dreams and I will. I think that the lessons I have learned this year are preparing me to be a better hockey player and a better person through the course of my entire life. To sum this years’ experience in words would be nearly impossible.

My roommate said to me to today that she is struggling because only those around you know what you’re going through on the day to day basis. Phone calls cannot suffice. I am scared to go home, I am scared because I am not the person I was, and the difficulties that have occurred this year along the path to fulfill my dreams have exhausted my spirit. Kobe Bryant has a quote that says when you are determined to become one of the greats, the relationships around you suffer. The people that love you, your friends and family they know that about you. So they let you be you, and when you reconvene you pick back up where you left off, but make no mistake about it everything in-between is lost. I am ready for a break, I am ready to reset and train harder than I ever have this summer. I am ready to get ready for next year. My fight for this year is over, and I am ready to go home. I tried to fight, everyday I have tried to fight as hard as I can, and I think that I succeed. The thing about this lifestyle is that our self-worth is only based on how we perform. I have a good game and I am happy; I have a bad game and I am frustrated by myself. (We play at a level though that you never have bad games you always have good games just some games you have are spectacular games. But no game for me is good enough unless it is spectacular.) It is more than just frustration, it eats at you, it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you feel as though nothing will ever be right again. But then you just have to push through and keep working. The people around me know that, they see how much I am fighting and how much we fight for each other every day. I am scared to go home because I am scared that I have disappointed. For me I fought until the end, obviously as a team we could have done more, but I tried to fight I really tried. I tried to not let circumstances get into my head, I always try to never let my mindset hold me back, but to my family at home who texted me a message during the game that I didn’t see until after I failed them and that was the last thing that I wanted to do. The only thing I have ever cared about is their faces in the crowd and I never meant to disappoint. I am grateful that they allow me to do this and follow this dream. Their understanding, support and encouragement is how I am able to do this, and I am grateful that they are the people they are and allow us to pick back up as we had left when I return home.

I have learned to be brave, courageous, spontaneous, and adventurous. The number of things that I have learned within the sport of hockey is too extensive to explain. I have learned that your mindset effects all aspects of your life and when you speak kindly and highly to and of yourself you will be putting yourself in the best spot to perform at your best. I have learned that I love Fika, but it is often most enjoyable when you are with people you cherish. I have learned and grew to understand my ancestors. I have learned to take each day for what it is and to be grateful for the shoes that I walk in. I have learned to appreciate my body and to love the way it looks because it does so much for me every day. I learned to compete with myself and try to be better than myself from yesterday not better than the person next to me. I learned to cherish the sunlight and an occupied mind is a fulfilled and happy mind. I have learned resiliency, I have learned faith, I have learned perseverance. I have learned gratefulness. I learned to fight and keep fighting. I have learned, I have grown, and I have cherished each day.

As I ready myself to the trip home, I think to myself. Det är ett härligt liv. Tack så mycket Svenska. Vi ses nästa säsong. Or in English, It is a beautiful life. Thank you so much Sweden. See you next season.