Pressure too much or too little...

What is wrong with me? My team wins 10-0 and we all have good games and I am so down and so frustrated with myself. I am doing what I need to do, and contributing to team wins and I am still so hard on myself. Sometimes I feel as though I can't keep going this way. I have had a hard year. Those hardships have hardened my shell and I can feel in my gut and core that I am not where I want to be and not where I need to be. I had a taste of something so great, I had an empowering start to the season and every since that day in November I feel like I have been drowning. Drowning with the weight that I put on my own back. I am so scare that I am not good enough and that I won't be desirable enough come spring for other SDHL teams. I scored two goals today and I am beating myself up over the missed opportunities that I had not celebrating the two that were allowed to me by the hockey gods. Hockey is my favorite thing in the entire world, it is what makes me breath and feel free, but at the same time when I am feeling the way I feel right now it is strangling me and making me feel unworthy. I guess that's the gift about it. It makes you grateful for the highs because of the lows.

I have been feeling this weight for quite sometime. I know that my thoughts aren't productive, I know that they aren't going to get me anywhere and often times when I feel this way, I have to get out of my head and I often find myself listening to podcasts or calming videos. Through this I have found a real admiration for Kobe Bryant and his ideas regarding athletics and his own personal athletic performance. His legacy is living on and he is impacting athletes even after his death which is really empowering. I found this quote from a podcast that I have been trying to lean on when I feel the weigh piling up. "I have self-doubt. I have insecurity. I have fear of failure. I have nights when I show up at the arena and I'm like, 'My back hurts, my feet hurt, my knees hurt. I don't have it. I just want to chill.' We all have self-doubt. You don't deny it, but you also don't capitulate to it. You embrace it." I am trying to embrace my hurt, my insecurity, my fear of failure and my self-doubt. I will use this to be better. and to make it to where I want to go. I am going to work on myself, I am going to compete with only myself and be a better version of myself each day. `